Someday at Christmas
by LondonBelow
Summary: While Grimmauld Place is filled with Weasleys and the regular gang, Lupin has a question to answer. Chapter Four: Lupin and Sirius's special love
1. Harry Pees on Dumbledore

Disclaimer: you all know it's JK Rowling's.

A/N: I'm not completely certain how accurate this is, whether Lupin was at Grimmauld Place for Christmas that year, but if set in book six the conversation would have to take place at least thirteen days before Christmas, and I wasn't sure if Harry's school break was that long. As a result, this is set in book five, just a day before Christmas.

* * *

Christmas was somewhat a subdued affair after presents. Sirius's glee at having Grimmauld Place occupied once more was beginning to fade. The Weasleys were worried about Arthur. No one had been inclined or skilled enough to cook a proper supper, and conversation quickly died off. When the doorbell rang, Sirius leapt almost insultingly eagerly from the table. "I'll just… answer that," he said, and left.

When he returned, it seemed Christmas cheer had come with him in the form of a ragged man clutching a candelabra. Harry smiled. Hermione seemed pleased beyond belief. "Lupin!"

Lupin smiled wearily. "Happy Christmas," he said.

"Happy Christmas!" replied everyone more or less at once. Lupin joined them at the table and Sirius sat opposite him. "It's wonderful to be here," Lupin said. "Thank you for inviting me, Sirius."

Sirius growled at him, "I actually invited you to live here."

"Well!" Lupin replied, half-laughing, "No fruitcake for you, Ebeneezer." Harry and Hermione giggled. None of the others had enough knowledge of Muggle literature to appreciate the insult. "Everything all right at Hogwarts?" Lupin asked. He looked from Harry to Hermione to each of the Weasley children in turn in that manner teachers have.

Almost at once, everyone was clamoring to speak. "Umbridge is awful!" "Can't you come back, Professor?" "We haven't learned a thing in D.A.D.A.!" "We're off Quidditch, George and Harry and I!" "Yeah, and Umbridge has taken our brooms!"

Lupin managed to listen and eat at once, patiently allowing the students to talk themselves out. Of course he knew what was going on at Hogwarts: the Order members from the Ministry gave him news enough. When everyone had finished complaining, they fell silent once more. "Well. At least we're all here for happy holidays," he offered.

"Yeah, it's only too bad Dad couldn't be here," Ron said, as though determined to cast a dark glow on Christmas evening.

Fred tried in his usual way to cheer his brother up, or perhaps to cheer everyone but his brother up, saying, "Well, there have been Christmases when you were sick. Like that time you were seven and ate so many Jelly Slugs you were vomiting for _hours_."

Ron turned bright red. "You left those lying about so I'd eat them! You tricked me!"

"Did we?" Fred asked.

"Yeah," George said. "We were brilliant already. Except, Ron was four when we did that bit with the Jelly Slugs, and it wasn't Christmas. Christmas was the Hermaphroditic Chocoballs when we were twelve." The name caused a number of half-snorts of laughter.

"Oh, yeah!" Fred dissolved into a state of giggles and reminiscence. When he emerged from this, he explained to the non-Weasleys sitting around the table, "Our first genius creation. We made these Chocoballs to refill themselves. Difficulty is, we had this idiot little brother, didn't we?"

Mrs. Weasley protested, "Fred!"

"I'm Fred," George said. "Anyway, it's not like we gave it to him, is it? We left the things in our room, didn't expect our brother to go poking about in there but he did, and… well, the Chocoballs weren't perfect. Ron got down three before we could stop him, and the spells started working…"

Fred finished the story: "The cream inside kept multiplying. We hadn't finished with them yet, that's the problem. Ron here choked up right there at the table that night. Cream pouring out of his mouth, Mum shouting at us, 'What have you done!'" His impression of his mother went unappreciated by Mrs. Weasley herself, and by Ron, who was too humiliated to laugh. "'E turned out all right, though. We went to St. Mungo's. I swear after that we had calluses on our--"

"George!"

"Sorry. We did, though."

"That's actually really brilliant," Lupin said. "You should have been more careful and not left dangerous things lying about where your siblings could get them," he added, when Mrs. Weasley glared at him, "but… it makes sense. If those had been around when I was a child, I definitely would have bought them."

Ron looked at Harry and Hermione. "You are so lucky no one's here to tell these sorts of stories about you," he said.

Harry was ready with an angry retort that one couldn't exactly call that _luck_, but Lupin and Sirius began laughing. "Oh, Ron, that's not true at all," Lupin said.

"He's right, we can humiliate Harry," Sirius said. "Not that we would," he added quickly, as Harry scowled. "But we were about often when you were a baby."

"You were?" Harry asked. No one had told him that.

"Whenever your parents would have us," Sirius answered. "And you were cute." Hermione giggled: Sirius Black was not a man from whom one expected to hear the word cute.

Lupin nodded to answer Harry's question. "Sirius especially was about. When you were learning to walk, he--"

"We're humiliating Harry, Remus, not me," Sirius interrupted.

"We're not humiliating anyone, Sirius. We're reminiscing."

"Rambling Remus strikes again!"

Lupin was laughing again. "It worked, didn't it?" he asked. To the others, he explained, "When we were at Hogwarts, I used these synonymous words with different connotations. You'll notice, however, that I was rarely found in detention."

Ron, feeling suddenly over-willing to share his embarrassment, said, "But what's this about when Harry was little?" Hermione hissed his name, but Ron continued looking hopefully at Sirius.

"Harry?" Lupin asked. "We won't go on without your permission."

Harry shrugged. "I guess that's okay. No one ever talked about when I was a baby."

Sirius launched immediately into the tale of Harry's first meeting with Dumbledore. "And I don't know what happened," Sirius said, "but Harry's nappy was loose and he managed to wriggle out of it, and the next thing you know there's Dumbledore, beard and robes soaked with pee." Fred and George congratulated Harry loudly. Ron and Ginny giggled; Hermione tried to look reproachful, but failed. Even Mrs. Weasley, from whom Harry expected a slight telling-off for urinating on one of the greatest wizards of the age, was smiling indulgently.

"Lupin, is that true?" Harry asked. "Did I really…" Lupin nodded. "Was Dumbledore angry?"

"Of course not! You were a baby. Dumbledore cleaned himself up with a quick spell, and we all had a laugh about it. Of course, by 'we all' I mean your parents and Sirius and I, but I suspect Dumbledore felt the same. None of us meant to disrespect Dumbledore," Lupin added hastily. "But we laughed whenever we could."

Harry smiled. He liked to think of his parents that way, laughing whenever they could.

Later, when the dishes had been magicked to the sink and were cleaning themselves, Lupin said, "Sirius, I've just remembered, I have a gift for you, if you want it." He looked through his pockets, and at last withdrew from one something the girls immediately mistook for a stuffed animal. A similar item he found in another pocket. "There's a minor charm; like the Monster Book, you just need to stroke them."

None of the children was willing to touch the things after that, remembering all too well the Monster Book of Monsters. Sirius, who was too depressed to be terrified by anything, awkwardly stroked the creatures. The girls cooed. Sirius looked at Lupin in disbelief. "Thought you might like company," Lupin said sheepishly.

"I suppose this beats those awful records you used to cart about."

Ginny and Hermione were playing with the kittens who had been animated by being stroked. "Are you going to keep them?" Harry asked, scratching one of the animals behind the ears.

Sirius considered for a moment. "So long as they get along with Buckbeak, yes." Even Fred and George weren't immune to the charms of the kittens. The six young people entered a discussion about cuteness and naming the cats. Sirius asked Lupin quietly, "Why, Remus?"

Lupin gave a pathetic sort of smile. "I'm sorry, Sirius. They were curled up against me when I woke this morning, and I thought of Lily… and wondered if you would like company. Do you mind?"

Sirius looked from Lupin to the kittens. "No. No, I suppose I don't."

_to be continued!_

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	2. The Contents of Harry's Trousers

Disclaimer: you all know it's JK Rowling's.

Author's Notes: (1) As you can tell, I'm not overly fond of Harry. (2) The idea of having a Jewish character is one I've considered for some time and finally did when one of JK's random mentions was Jewish -- a Hogwarts student is named Anthony Goldstein. That's about as Jewish a name as you'll find.

"Barukh ata--"

"Is that a spell?" Harry asked. "Something to do with the fire?" It felt odd to ask such a bald-faced question; the sensation was the one Harry had experienced four years ago when he first met Hagrid and learned that magic was real and alive throughout the world.

It was only half an hour later. Ginny and the twins were upstairs, working, Harry guessed, on something Mrs. Weasley, who was conveniently asleep, would not approve of. Hermione was curled up in a comfortable chair reading a thick book; Ron lay on his stomach, staring at the fire and licking a chocolate frog. On the floor near an empty bookcase, Sirius dangled a bit of string in front of his kitten.

Lupin carefully replaced the shamus candle before he looked back at Harry and smiled. "Not exactly," he said. "I'm surprised you don't know. It's a prayer."

"A prayer? How would I know a prayer?" Harry asked, somewhat insulted. What right had Lupin to make him seem an ignoramus? He had only asked a question!

As though reading Harry's thoughts, Sirius said, "Remus isn't insulting you, Harry. He and Lily used to keep Chanukah together at Hogwarts."

"Chanukah?" asked Harry.

Hermione raised her head from her book and explained, "It's a Jewish holiday, Harry."

"My mum was Jewish?" Harry asked.

Lupin nodded, but it was Sirius who answered. "Didn't you ever wonder why you're circumcised?"

This drew Ron's attention. He raised his chocolate-smeared face to gaze at Harry in sympathy and horror. "I'm so sorry, mate," he said.

"Circumcision is not gelding, Ron," Sirius replied. Hermione slammed her book shut and strode from the room, muttering something about complete indecency. "It's just--"

Harry was squirming uncomfortably at this conversation. He never thought himself a prude, and in fact was uncertain precisely what circumcision was, but he had the feeling it pertained to the contents of his trousers and Harry did not enjoy listening to Sirius and Ron discuss his personal areas. Lupin interrupted his friend, "Sirius, don't have this conversation. It's embarrassing."

"No it isn't," Sirius said.

"For _Harry_," clarified Lupin.

Sirius gasped in surprise. "Right. Sorry, Harry."

But Ron was gazing at Harry yet, his mouth open like a caught fish. "But Harry's still got…" He couldn't finish the sentence.

"_Yes_, Ron," Lupin said. "If you must know what it is, look it up."

More than eager to change the subject, Harry asked, "Wait a moment. Lupin, why am I… er… y'know… if I've got a godfather?"

"Well that's just a bit of a wizarding thing, Harry. James wasn't religious," Lupin added, "but he felt you should have a godfather to look after you, just in case. Lily, however… Lily was religious. Do you remember, Sirius, the year she was Bat Mitzvah'd?"

Sirius smiled. "Oh, yes. She went absolutely mad!"

"Most people memorize their Torah portion, but Lily didn't," Lupin explained to Harry, "she actually bent her incredibly apt mind to learning Aramaic."

"That was a lot of work, and she was cramming during finals. It's the only time I can recall Lily snapping at someone who didn't deserve it," Sirius reflected, giving Harry the impression that Sirius had been on the receiving end of one of Lily's outbursts.

"She was really pleased to've done it, though," Lupin added. "She was glowing at the ceremony. It defined her, I think, that Torah segment, not for what it was but for what it made her think."

Harry had never much considered his mother. He had, since beginning Hogwarts, heard that he had her eyes, but it was James who Harry desired to follow, whose shoes he hoped to fill. Every word of James Potter he had memorized and cherished. Now he wondered about Lily, desiring with a great strength to know everything about her. She had been defined by this text, Lupin said; could the text in turn define her? "Do you know it?" he asked, leaning forward. "Do you know the words?"

Lupin shifted uncomfortably. "A few snatches. I was never as pious as Lily. She told me about a few phrases concerning the capability of humanity to rule over sin and the unwillingness of the ground to give unto Cain after he spilt the blood of Abel. Lily believed this to be applicable to all situations: in short, that all people are capable of goodness and harm to others is wrong. I heard that, Ron!"

Ron looked up at Lupin and blushed. "I didn't say anything," he lied.

"Lily was not a nutter," Lupin replied, and Ron's blush deepened. "Look, religion makes people do stupid things sometimes, especially Muggles, but Lily wasn't like that. She took the words and read them, what they said and did not say, inverted them, chewed them over, and what remained she used by interpretation to form, or perhaps to support, her opinions and beliefs."

Harry asked, "What were you saying earlier? Is that… what did you say Mum learned? Aramaic?"

"Oh, no. That's just Hebrew."

"How does it go?"

Lupin said the prayer once through, then, at Harry's request, repeated the words more slowly. Harry began to ask another question, but was interrupted by a squeak from the kitten as Sirius scooped the animal up and stood. "Good night," Sirius said. "Happy Christmas." He strode towards the doorway, but paused in front of Harry. "Harry…" For a moment Sirius stood with the blatant discomfort of a first-year boy standing before the headmaster, then he very awkwardly kissed his godson's brow and said, "G'night."

He was gone before Harry swallowed the lump in his throat.

_to be continued!_

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	3. Sirius Being Sirius

Disclaimer: you all know it's Rowling's

Remus Lupin knocked gently on his friend's bedroom door. Sirius had moved into what was once his parents' bedroom. He refused to justify to Remus his assumption of the position of master of the house, and Remus had stopped asking. It was just Sirius being Sirius.

"Sirius, please let me in." No response came save silence, which to Lupin was answer enough. "Open the door, Padfoot." That was another of his 'teacher voices.' There was a click and the door slid open. Lupin stepped over the threshold and closed the door behind him.

Sirius was sprawled on the bed, the kitten on his chest. He hadn't bothered rising for his friend, but remained on his back, his head against the wall. His left arm dangled limply, his fingertips playing over a half-empty bottle of firewhisky. That was not the only bottle in the room.

"_Scourgify."_ Lupin's spell affected the empty bottles. He flicked his wand and sent them clustering by the wall with a silent incantation. "Sirius, would you want Harry to see you this way? To think you live this way?"

"Oh, he won't. Harry doesn't know where I sleep."

Lupin frowned, but chose to ignore Sirius's lack of cleanliness. He would be a few days at Number Twelve yet. Idly he replaced his wand and wended around the bed. "May I sit?" Sirius inclined his head, and Lupin sat beside him.

"Just so you know," Sirius said, pouring a mouthful of firewhiskey into his mouth and letting it burn his cheeks and tongue before swallowing, "I know what you're up to."

Lupin couldn't help it: he loved his friend too dearly. He ceded and played along. "And what am I up to, Sirius?"

"Don't be stupid, Remus. You're trying to see what Harry remembers. You keep bringing things up. Or am I not suppose to know that my kitten looks like Lily's? Did you really think he would remember the Hebrew and the menorah?"

Lupin lowered his head. "Guilty as charged," he admitted. "But I don't think it's wrong, what I'm doing. Harry thinks James was a saint. He's very protective, and that tends to spit in his face. What did you think of Fred and George's Hermaphroditic Chocoballs?"

The answer was obvious, and the first thought Lupin had had upon hearing of the candies: "Ingenious. I'm only surprised James and I never thought of them."

Lupin admitted, "I was, too, at first."

"But…?"

"Well, I should think it obvious. Fred and George invented a candy that lasts forever because they couldn't always afford candy. The Weasleys haven't much money; that seems to have started Fred and George down their path to genius. You and James were bored. So," he went on almost casually, "you're still having nightmares?"

Sirius laughed. "However did you know, Remus? I took cares. None of the others has noticed, and you've only just arrived."

"I hardly think six school-age wizards are likely to detect Imperturbable Charms if they aren't chucking dungbombs. D'you feel like talking about it?"

"Do I ever?"

Lupin grinned wryly. "As long as I have known you, Sirius, you have only liked to talk about Quidditch and yourself."

Sirius took a deep drink of firewhiskey and swallowed quickly. "You're a cruel man, Remus Lupin. Not a very kind wolf, either."

"I was proud of you until I saw this room," Lupin said. Sirius mimed stabbing himself in the heart. "It seemed you were taking care of yourself. Thriving in spite of everything. And I thought, _I could never be so strong._ How am I to look up to you now, Sirius, that I know the truth? I always thought you were brave."

He was bluffing, and Sirius called it. "As you said to me years ago, Remus: we're not brave until we're scared. Are you scared, Remus? I'm not."

"Oh? Are you hiding for fun?"

"Sarcasm doesn't suit you." Sirius let his now half-full bottle of firewhiskey thump to the floor. "You going to try that Jewish guilt again? Are you going to tell me that I'm hiding from Harry, keeping from him the one person he truly cares about?"

Lupin remained silent for a long while. Sirius took the opportunity to say, "I'm doing this for him as much as for me. Harry needs his self-indulgence at the moment. I'm giving him what you gave me. I'm letting him indulge his self-pity. There are some things he doesn't need to know." Sirius's eyes closed. "He's much better off thinking evil dies with Voldemort, anyway."

Lupin was too soft to say it openly: No, you're right, Harry doesn't need to know about parents who use curses to punish their children. "Do you want me to stay, Sirius?" When Sirius did not reply, Lupin rose. He was halfway to the door when his name was called. "Never tell anyone," Sirius threatened.

"Did I ever?" asked Lupin, settling beside his friend on the bed.

Nothing passed between Sirius and Lupin. They slept in the same bed, but did nothing more than sleep until Sirius kicked Lupin awake. Faint light burst through the window, leaving no impression. Sirius continued to kick out, whimpering. Lupin moved at once, gathering Sirius to him and holding him as a mother holds a child. This was, coincidentally, the name Sirius whined from his nightmare. He wept to his mummy and apologized, pleaded and, very occasionally, cursed her.

To the casual onlooker, the sight would be terrifying. To Remus Lupin, nothing was abnormal. Sirius's sobbing fits had been commonplace in their dormitory.

When Sirius awoke, he was clinging to Lupin, who in turn held him in a restraining embrace. "Mummy, I'm sorry--!"

"It's all right, Sirius. It's over, remember? Your mum's dead. It's me, it's Remus. Sirius, shh…" In a school as small as Hogwarts, rumors passed like colds. When some vicious student (Sirius suspected Severus Snape) had circulated in their fifth year that Remus, James and Sirius were 'more than friends', Sirius had laughed it off easily. _More than friends? Of course we're more than friends. We're brothers, and yeah, that's a little more than friends._ He had never openly said it, but Remus always suspected Sirius meant these nights by that remark; they were brothers not for running through Hogsmeade under the full moon, but for holding one another through tears and terrors. Though all boys prefer a façade of boldness and few openly touch in public outside of the occasional high-five, Sirius Black and Remus Lupin often awoke from nightmares and took comfort in the closeness and comfort of the other.

When at last Sirius disentangled himself from Lupin's arms, brushing away the last of his tears, he said, "Thank you, my friend."

There came a knock at the door.

_to be continued!_

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	4. Lupin and Sirius's Special Love

Disclaimer: you all know it's Rowling's

"Who is it?"

"Harry."

Lupin looked at Sirius, who nodded. "Come in, Harry." To Sirius, he asked, "Should he have been able to hear us?"

Sirius nodded. "There are particular pass-words."

The door opened, but Harry did not enter. He stood awkwardly, clutching his lit wand. Little lines of light reflected off his glasses lenses. "Um… Sirius… are you and Lupin, er… are you two, you know, going together?"

This stammered question caused Lupin and Sirius to realize that they remained loosely in one another's arms. They shifted apart. "It's nothing like that, Harry," Lupin said.

"I don't mind," Harry said, obviously unconvinced and uncomfortable. "I mean, it's your choice, isn't it?"

"Harry," Lupin said, in an awful authority-figure tone that allowed no patience, "did you want something?"

Harry blushed. "No."

By this time, Sirius had had enough. He pushed himself into a sitting position, grabbed his wand, and muttered, "_Lumos maxima._" There was no result. _"Lumos maxima,_" he insisted. On his third try, he gave up. "Listen, Harry, Remus and I are friends. We do not shag. In fact, you might notice that we're both fully dressed."

"Look, it doesn't matter," Harry insisted.

For the first time, Sirius lost his temper with Harry. "Bloody Merlin, Harry, we don't! He's in my room because he looks after me when I've had awful nightmares, all right?"

Harry seemed to accept this. "I didn't know you had nightmares, Sirius," he muttered.

Realization smashed Lupin and Sirius at the same moment like two hammers to the temples. "Sort of like you have nightmares, Harry?" Lupin asked. Harry pushed his glasses up on his nose and nodded, staring at the floor. Sirius and Lupin exchanged looks, both painfully aware that Harry had heard that a child went to his parents for comfort after a nightmare, but he had never had the chance to do so himself.

"Harry," Sirius said, "come here." He was guessing. It had always been Lupin who comforted him, which was precisely what good friends did. Harry, however, was far more self-sufficient than Sirius. He was awake and quiet. Nevertheless, when Harry stood before him, Sirius guessed correctly and, somewhat awkwardly, hugged him. "Sorry, mate." Harry nodded, speechless, and clung to Sirius until both began to feel self-conscious and drew apart.

"Sorry-- shall I leave you?" Lupin asked.

"'S'o.k. f'you wanna stay," Harry muttered. Something in being treated with compassion had reverted him to the child who had never been given that luxury. "What do you dream about, Sirius?"

"Me, I dream about my mum. More memories than dreams. She used to curse me when I misbehaved."

"Curse you?" Harry asked in disbelief, as Lupin shot Sirius warning looks. "You mean, things like shrinking all your socks?"

"Er… Something like that, at first. Things like making me think I was eating rats. Of course, I've done that now and I can tell you, it's not all that miserable." Harry laughed weakly at this, and Lupin breathed easier. It was better that Sirius left unsaid the worst of his memories. "Then I started hating her and shouting things about befriending Muggle-borns, just plain open defiance… d'you know what the cruciatus curse is, Harry?" This time Harry was gazing in shock at Sirius, his mouth gaping like a fish's. "That's what I remember when I sleep. My dear old mum, pointing her wand right at me and not saying a damn word. What do you dream?"

"Y-your mum…?"

"You didn't have to tell him this," Lupin hissed. "Harry, Mrs. Black was… she had funny ideas. She wasn't like your mum. In the wizarding world, that curse is illegal, you know that."

But Harry wasn't listening. He threw his arms around Sirius as though he could make up for years of abuse and said, "Sirius, I don't need to go back to Hogwarts. I'll stay here with you. You're really clever, you can tell me everything, teach me what I need to know, and you won't have to be alone anymore. School's not so important--"

"Harry, you are going back to Hogwarts," Sirius stated firmly. In spite of everything, Lupin found himself smiling, feeling really proud again.

_to be continued!_

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